Understanding Grief and Loss: Companioning Those Who Grieve

Understanding Grief and Loss: Companioning Those Who Grieve
Introduction to Grief and Loss
Grief is a universal human experience. Whether it arises from the death of a loved one, the loss of a job, or the end of a cherished relationship, grief touches everyone at some point in life. Today, we focus on the grief that comes from the death of a loved one. Many of us feel unprepared to support those who are grieving, unsure of what to say or do. Yet, as followers of Christ, we are called to walk alongside the brokenhearted and offer comfort.
Dr. Alan Wolfelt’s concept of “companioning” captures this well. Companioning is not about fixing someone’s grief but about being present, offering empathy, and providing a safe space for healing. As we explore grief, let us hold onto the promise in Psalm 34:18: “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”
Defining Grief and Bereavement
To understand grief, we must first define it clearly. Grief is the deep sorrow we feel when we lose someone or something we love. It often manifests as feelings of emptiness, depression, or loneliness. The Bible reminds us that grief is part of the human experience. In John 11:35, we read that “Jesus wept” over the death of His friend Lazarus, showing that even the Son of God experienced the pain of loss.
Bereavement, on the other hand, refers to the state of being deprived through loss, particularly the loss of a loved one. It is the act of being torn apart by death, often without warning or permission. This involuntary separation is why grief can feel so profoundly painful.
Common Aspects of Grief
The Depth of Grief Reflects the Depth of Attachment
The intensity of grief often correlates with the strength of our attachment to the person who has died. In John 11:36, when Jesus wept for Lazarus, the people around Him said, “See how he loved him!” This love deepens the pain of loss but also highlights the value of the relationship.
Grieving Behaviors Vary
Grief can lead to behaviors that may seem strange or out of character. Some people withdraw, while others may express their emotions more openly. Ecclesiastes 3:4 reminds us that there is “a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance.” Understanding these variations can help us respond with compassion.
Individual Expressions of Grief
Everyone grieves differently. Some cry openly, while others may suppress their tears. Romans 12:15 teaches us to “rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.” Respecting these differences allows us to offer genuine support.
Talking About the Deceased
For many, sharing memories of the deceased provides comfort. After Jesus’ death, His followers discussed everything that had happened (Luke 24:14-15). Encouraging these conversations can help the grieving process by keeping the memory of their loved one alive.
Allowing for Tears
Tears are a natural and healthy part of grieving. Isaiah 25:8 promises that God will “wipe away the tears from all faces.” Offering a tissue is kind, but don’t use it to stop someone from crying. Tears are part of healing.
Help Must Be Invited
While it’s natural to want to help, support is only effective when it is desired. Proverbs 25:20 warns against singing songs to a heavy heart. Instead, offer help but respect the grieving person’s need for space.
Avoiding Christian Jargon
Phrases like “It was God’s will” can feel dismissive or hurtful. Job’s friends initially comforted him by sitting in silence for seven days (Job 2:13). Sometimes, silence speaks louder than words.
Doing Your Own Grief Work
Before companioning others, ensure you have addressed your own grief. Matthew 7:5 encourages us to remove the plank from our own eye before addressing the speck in someone else’s.
The Cycle of Grief
Stages of Grief
Grief often unfolds in stages:
  1. Shock and Denial: A period of numbness and disbelief. Psalm 6:6 captures this: “I am worn out from my groaning. All night long I flood my bed with weeping and drench my couch with tears.”
  2. Anger: Frustration and questioning. Ephesians 4:26 advises, “In your anger do not sin.”
  3. Bargaining: Attempting to regain control. Even Jesus prayed in Matthew 26:39, “My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me.”
  4. Depression: Overwhelming sadness and lack of energy. Psalm 42:11 asks, *”Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me?”
  5. Acceptance: Finding a new way of living. Philippians 4:13 reminds us, “I can do all this through him who gives me strength.”
Goals of Grief
  1. Accept the Reality of the Loss: Facing the truth of the loss. In John 16:33, Jesus says, “In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”
  2. Work Through the Pain: Processing the emotional pain. Psalm 147:3 assures us, “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.”
  3. Adjust to Life Without the Deceased: Creating a new normal. Isaiah 41:10 says, “Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God.”
  4. Emotionally Relocate the Deceased: Shifting from a physical relationship to one of memory. Hebrews 12:1 speaks of the great cloud of witnesses surrounding us.
Complicated Grief
Sometimes grief becomes complicated, preventing healing. This may happen due to unresolved issues or the nature of the loss. Jesus said in Matthew 5:4, “Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.” Recognizing the signs of complicated grief can help us offer appropriate support, including recommending professional help if necessary.
Companioning Those Who Grieve
Companioning involves being present without judgment. It means offering a listening ear, a comforting presence, and a willingness to walk alongside someone in their pain. Romans 12:10 encourages us to “be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves.” By doing so, we fulfill Christ’s call to love and serve others.
Grief is a journey, and everyone travels it differently. As we companion those who grieve, let us do so with empathy, patience, and love. By understanding the stages and complexities of grief, we can offer meaningful support and reflect the heart of Christ. May we be instruments of God’s comfort and peace, walking with the brokenhearted and pointing them to the One who heals all wounds.

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